I don't know where I belong, or where do I go from here
Actually, I do know where I belong - I belong right here, doing what I'm doing.
Things gave changed a lot over the last year or so. I think the biggest difference is that so many of my emotional and psychological needs are met now. This applies to cello as well, the underlying layer of "this needs to be ok, and then everything else will work" is there.
This in part caused me to blog a lot less (the other things that caused me to blog a lot less were having an active professional life, an active social life, spending a lot of time on facebook/twitter/okcupid, needing to be careful about what I wrote in public). I think really though, the biggest factor is that the cello stopped being a big mystery to me. I know how to play it, I can do it fairly well and meaningfully. If something does not go well these days, it's not because there's some fundamental aspect of playing that's holding me back, it's simply because I didn't practice enough.
As a person I've grown tremendously more secure and am becoming more empowered. It's as if I spent years planting seeds, and finally the crops bloom, and I took in some time to eat and be wholesome.
Now it is time to plant seeds again. A commencement speech I watched recently mentioned that we confuse accolades with achievement, and the honest truth is I've done this a lot in the last year, and I've settled for less than my best. We have a word for this - coasting. I know that true success is only going to come from always growing and always learning and always accepting that I can do better. I'm ready to start that again.
So the question is in what manner do I go forward. This is where most people would go back to school, or get a teacher. I'm convinced this is not my path. Part of the development I need to do is crafting my unique sound and compositional style further - carving away the excess. I've had an improvisatory relationship to technical development for a long time, and I think there is immense benefit in this approach. There are limits too, but all the techniques and guides of the past are open to me in the form of sheet music, so I can fuse the two.
I also need to invest a significant amount of time into developing better leadership/organizational skills and responsibilities. I think this is an area I've held myself back in a lot, and I think I could have gone so much further than where I am now. I also think I need to reach out to others more. This is something I have stopped doing & I think it will be essential in continuing to be able to do this as a profession.
I have very good luck/serendipity/etc., but I can't rely on that.