Friday, August 10, 2012

Setting Goals Again

This year has been fucking weird.

I touched on it a little bit in my last blog ... but basically it is this.  I have never felt more off-track & like I'm wasting my time & talents & not being the best I can.  At the same time, I've never performed so much & never received so much "Wow, you're really amazing" recognition from so many different people ... I've performed in so many different settings, I've performed  in many other states, I've become part of so many awesome things.

Yet at the same time, I haven't finished my album yet (though working at it), and I've spent a lot of time not practicing & not learning & not developing myself more.  I've spent a lot of time unmotivated & depressed.

But I'm moving back into an exciting position.  It resulted from being in the very uncomfortable position of not having my shit ready for recording with one of the bands I'm in.  This led to some intense talks, and I saw myself repeating patterns that really just were terrible.  Because of this, I finally came to terms with this gradual downward spiral & have refocused, and am slowly building myself back into the cellist & person I want to be.

This has started with practicing 2-5 hours 2-3 times a week.  It's extended into also reading/watching interviews & documentaries & exploring music I haven't listened to much, instead of listening to the same "crutch" music.  It's also gone along with exercise.

I feel like playing cello is mastering one small thing after another ... it is destroying weaknesses & carving away so that one's true creative voice can come through.

I think songwriting is the same, and that's always been a challenge for me.  I want things to work so instantly and easily ... I think it's one of the reasons I like improv. so much ... yet, the truth is you really have to work hard at carving - even with improv.

The other truth is that I'm very aimless a lot of the time.  But this gets so much better when I practice.  When I combine that random, spontaneity with discipline, everything becomes a bit more real.

Right now, one of the things I'm really working on is shifting - doing so quickly & accurately ... the upper positions are something I really need to tackle & my electric cello sound is something I need to do *a lot* of work with.  I also think I need to work more on the career side of things (both as a freelancer & as a creative artist) & I think there is really a key in Open Mics.  I really really need to play all the time - it will do me good, and the more people I'm exposed to, the better off things will go.  I also really need to return to playing in the Subways ... I've been avoiding it for a while.

Anyway, this is my headspace for the time being...

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