I feel so insufficient when I meet other cellists & tell them I'm working on Haydn C & when I meet other players who have very easy technique/intonation ... I feel like it's such a struggle for me & not for them ... I was getting to that point, but then a lot of personal & work stuff started to get in the way of me practicing enough & not practicing enough really makes me feel insufficient ... I wish I was in an environment where I could just practice 4+ hours a day & everybody around me was doing that ... it's so hard at home when people want things from me & I have to clean stuff up & go to work & people get annoyed at me for not saying hi to them for 4 hours, b/c I've been busy practicing ... I feel insufficient when I get up and play a gig & a song I've played on multiple gigs & rehearsals is out of tune
The insufficiency is a good thing, but the fact that I got to a point where I feel like that at all is not so good ... I just need to get through this next week so I can get to a point where I really just have time to work on my own rep. & music
I also hate not being able to take gigs b/c of work - particularly when it actually looks like something cool/career-useful. I am definitely only going to hold this job through the end of december ... even if it means going back to taxis ... I like B&N better, but the nights/weekends thing is just completely killing me.
Ideally, I'll have more students by then & this won't be necessary (I will be promoting heavily in december)